Mostly Human #70: Still Looking for an Adultier Adult

It’s October... the 11th, I believe. And I’m still looking around for an adultier adult.

Someone who knows how to handle things. I keep thinking there’ll be a point when that person is me, but every week there’s something I’ve never encountered before. Or something familiar arrives wearing a different outfit and I don’t recognize it until we’ve already had an incident.

I’m 57. I really thought I’d have more of this figured out by now.

Just when I think I’m making headway, or leeway, or whatever way it is... something comes up and smacks me in the face.

There are conversations I remember from years ago that keep coming back to me.

Different from deliberately making a memory. Do you ever do that? Stop and look closely at the angle of the sun through the trees, feel the air, notice how something smells, because you want to be able to come back to that exact moment?

I do.

Unfortunately, my brain also retains observations about my personality that I did not request for permanent storage.

Years ago, during some self-development work, one of my leads said something along the lines of: my need to feel comfortable would keep me from going where I wanted to go.

I remember being genuinely confused. What was wrong with being comfortable?

These last two years have provided quite a bit of supporting documentation. I’m getting better at doing things that make me uncomfortable. I would still prefer to learn some of these lessons while comfortable. Possibly reclining.

I’m building things I love. Finding out what I enjoy. Getting to be more fully myself. And regularly discovering that something I thought I had figured out needs another look.

This week it was assumptions.

I had instructions for a piece of work. There was even a five-minute video explaining exactly how she wanted it done.

Stopping what I was doing to watch a five-minute video felt like being asked to surrender the entire afternoon. I put it off. Kept forgetting. Then the deadline was coming up and I was in a rush to get it handled.

So I made assumptions about what would work.

It didn’t.

I hadn’t realized how much detail the video went into. I thought I understood what was needed, and what I delivered wasn’t right.

That’s on me. And I damaged her trust. She told me so.

I’m so conditioned to solve problems. That’s what I listen for in conversations, in my work, in the business I’m building. What could I create that would help? What could I make that someone would actually want?

My brain is already halfway through construction while the other person is still explaining where the door goes.

And I miss things.

I’m frustrated with myself because I know how much I hate having someone make assumptions about what I asked for. Then I went and did it.

Nobody died because I got the work wrong.

And I can’t believe I just said that about nobody dying. Because someone did die.

Someone close to my friend and her family passed away this week.

I can tell it’s affecting me, knowing what she’s going through and how much she has to take care of. I worry about how much time she’ll have for her own grief while she’s caring for everyone else.

So many women I know do this. They’re hurting and still making sure everyone else has what they need.

I want her to be cared for, too.

There’s been other stuff this week that I’ve loved, and I want to tell you about that as well.

I spent the day working on a new website for Emily Worden.

Oh my God, y’all. Color. Shape. FONTS.

I could spend HOURS finding the right font for the right layout and the right mood. I had no idea until fairly recently that I had this many opinions about the shape of an “a.”

Apparently I do. Strong ones.

I’m getting to discover things I love doing that barely figured into my working life before. And I get to do them with people I love working with, which makes a ridiculous difference.

Emily and I have Fall Lab starting this week. One of the things I’m looking forward to is the working-together part.

Since my ADHD diagnosis, I’ve learned the term “body doubling.” Having another human nearby while I do something helps me stay with it.

They don’t even have to supervise. Which is good, because I have some fairly established opinions about being supervised.

I just get more done with other people around. And I enjoy creating more when I have someone to create with.

That’s showing up all over the business I’m building.

The thing I’m creating with three other women now has a date on the calendar for our first tiny experiment with people. We’re going to find out whether what we’re building is something they actually want and need.

I’m very excited about it.

There was something else I was going to tell you, and I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.

Can’t remember that. Can apparently remember which fonts I hate.

This week’s ad partner is Mindstream.

This is a newsletter put out by the team at Hubspot and it was one of the first AI-related newsletters I ever subscribed to. I like how it’s got plenty of blank space, low on hustle language, and usually has a bit of humor.

The professionals pulling ahead aren't working more. They're using Claude.

Our free guide will show you how to:

Transform your workflow with AI and stay ahead of the curve with this comprehensive guide to using Claude at work.

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Here's what I keep forgetting: we’re included in “take care of each other.”

A friend needs help and we’re putting our shoes on before she’s finished explaining.

Meanwhile, we can spend an entire afternoon trying to work out how to ask someone for a ride without inconveniencing them with the part where they have to drive.

We got praised for being so little trouble. For managing. For being the woman nobody had to worry about.

And now someone offers to bring dinner and we’re reassuring THEM.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. You’ve got enough going on.”

We’re exhausted and still trying to make sure our exhaustion doesn’t create any additional work for anybody.

Even somebody who loves us. Who has already offered. Who would quite like us to stop arguing and tell them whether we eat mushrooms.

Being cared for can feel horribly uncomfortable when we’re used to being the one who handles things.

We’re allowed to receive it awkwardly. To need something and take a while to get the words out.

Somebody else can bring dinner.

Tell them about the mushrooms.

If you're new here, this is where I share the stuffs I encountered on the interwebs that touch, move, inspire, or simply make me snort-laugh.

This is a completely accurate accounting of me at this time of year.

Finally someone considered the catering…

I can spend hours looking at fonts. I have opinions. Explaining those opinions beyond “ugh, absolutely not” sometimes requires assistance.

You might have a folder full of rooms, outfits, gardens, or book covers you love without knowing what connects them. Upload a few and try this:

Pick something you’re choosing: a haircut, a bedroom paint color, a website design. Upload three to five images you’re drawn to, then paste the prompt. If you already know you only saved that kitchen because of the green cabinets, say so.

Three quick hits, every week. The Scoop: one AI word, decoded. The Skinny: one move you can steal today. The Lowdown: one tool, one honest verdict, from my own use. A word, a move, a verdict. In and out.

THE SCOOP
Multimodal

Upload a photo and ask AI a question about it.

You’re using “multimodal” AI: it can work with more than one type of information, such as text, images, or audio. Fancy word for being able to show it what you mean.

THE SKINNY
Tell it what to leave alone

When asking AI to change something, name what you want kept.

“Make this email shorter. Keep the joke and the deadline.” Otherwise, the one sentence you actually liked may disappear in the renovations.

THE LOWDOWN
This week: Google Lens

See a lamp you love but have no idea what to search for? Google Lens lets you search using a picture.

Go to Google, click the camera icon in the search bar, and upload your image to find visual matches. Saves typing “the swoopy gold one.”

Em & Deb Shoot the Sh!t (LIVE on LinkedIn)
Thursday, October 15 | 11AM CT/12PM ET

Free. No slides. Bring coffee and the LinkedIn routine you keep doing because somebody on the internet said you had to.

Post regularly. Comment constantly. Build a personal brand. Message strangers. Apparently getting hired now requires a second unpaid job as a LinkedIn content creator.

Emily and Deb will sort out which LinkedIn activities can actually help you find opportunities, get noticed, and build useful relationships, and which ones are mostly eating your time. We’ll answer your questions and help you do a quick audit: one thing to keep doing, one thing to cut back on, and one relationship-building activity worth prioritizing.

Watch, lurk, or tell us which piece of LinkedIn advice you’re deeply tired of hearing.

Click ‘Attend’ and download the calendar link

Prompt Along: AI Improv
Tuesday, October 20 | 6:30-7:30PM CT
Free, on Zoom

Last month we built a disco toilet finder. It had a toilet paper alert, seat-up shaming and a sad trombone. Then Beth Anne requested a sprinkle detector.

She’s obviously lived with men.

That's Prompt Along, my live AI improv hour. You bring a question or a task you've been avoiding, and we work through it together on my screen. Keep your own chatbot open and prompt along... or lurk and watch what happens.

Cameras optional. PJs welcome. Nobody gets to call themselves stupid.

It's really hard to do that while you're writing requirements for a sprinkle detector.

Before you go... what’s something you have surprisingly strong opinions about?

You’ve heard about my fonts. Maybe yours is how towels should be folded. Or what belongs in potato salad. Something you could discuss for twenty minutes without once checking your notes.

Hit reply and tell me. Petty is welcome. I’ve just admitted to having a problem with the shape of an “a.”

💜

Take care of yourself, take care of each other,

Deb