I realized something today after talking with an AI (yes, my robot therapist who doesn’t bill insurance).
I’ve been on Venlafaxine since April 2020. Started for hot flashes and depression, got cranked up during my full-blown mental health crisis in 2023, then dialed down recently after my ADHD diagnosis because it felt like it was dulling my neurospicy brain.
Here’s the part I’ve been avoiding saying out loud: when I forget to take it, I feel more… me.
Music makes me cry again. Colors feel brighter. Life feels louder.
But also? I snap faster. The anger comes out sharp and scary - not just for me, but for my husband too.
So I keep asking myself: is feeling things more intensely actually bad? Or have I just gotten used to life with the volume turned down?
The meds are basically a volume knob on my emotions.
Turn it up and I get the whole messy symphony - bliss, despair, rage, goosebumps, ugly crying at car commercials.
Turn it down and everything’s manageable, but also muffled.
Neither setting feels like “home.”
What I really want is the impossible:
To feel without flooding.
To access my emotions without drowning in them.
To not have my husband wondering if he needs protective gear for dinner.
Maybe the point isn’t finding the perfect pill. Maybe the point is learning to surf the waves - with meds as one tool, not the whole damn lifeboat.
So for now, I’m staying on them. Stability matters. My crashes are gentler, the rage storms rarer, and honestly? I’ve ridden enough mental health rollercoasters to appreciate the safety bar.
But I’m also paying attention. Tracking the shifts. Being curious about what “feeling human” actually means for me.
Still figuring it out. Still questioning. Still learning to trust myself in the middle of it all.
What about you - how do you balance between feeling and stability?